50 Shades of Karkat
by thewtfage
Summary: A very stupid fan-fiction by a very stupid fuckass. Karkat is alone, crying because John said he wasn't a homosexual. Gamzee finds him and convinces him to join his clown cult to help him feel better. Karkat paints his face in 50 shades of grey makeup and starts eating soper slime pies to get his motherfucking chill on.
1. Chapter 1

It was a cold lonely night on the meteor, as always. Or was it daytime? Who could tell. Throughout the meteor there was silence. Everyone was taking a much deserved break after a very long night of shenanigans, or a very long day of shenanigans. Ah whatever.

All alone in a secret room within the Meteor was a young troll by the name of Karkat Vantas. He was sad. Crying actually.

CG: IT'S NOT FAIR. I'LL NEVER FIND A MATESPRIT, OR A KISMESISS.

CG: I GUESS I'M JUST DOOMED TO SPEND ALL ETERNITY IN THE PALE QUADRANT.

CG: AND EGGBERT...

CG: YOU WERE, SO PERFECT.

CG: BUT YOU DON'T LOVE ME.

CG: YOU'RE NOT A HOMOSEXUAL.

Karkat continued to sob while having awkward convocations with himself. Talking to himself had become relatively normal, mainly due to the long winded arguments he'd so commonly have with himself through Trollian.

Not too far away from the secret room was another troll by the name of Gamzee Makara. He could hear sobbing in the distance but hadn't the slightest clue where it was coming from.

TC: WhAt iS ThAt sTrAnGe sOuNd oF SoRrOw tHaT I'm aLl uP In hEaRiNg iN My mOtHeRfUcKiNg tHiNkPaN?

TC: WhErE Is iT EvEn mOtHeRfUcKiNg cOmInG FrOm?

TC: HoNk :o(

Gamzee began to scout out the area. The crying was making him loose his motherfucking chill. He proceeded to stumble upon a small mysterious opening in the wall, concealed by an empty treasure chest. How mysterious.

TC: WeLl sWeEt mOtHeRfUcK.

TC: LoOkS LiKe sOmE SoRt oF SeCrEt PaSsAgE wAy.

Gamzee entered the small opening in the wall, curious to what he might find. He stood up to find himself in a rather large, dark room. He'd never been to this part of the meteor before. The sobbing continued.

TC: HoNk HoNk :o|

Gamzee followed the sounds of Karkat crying until he found... Karkat crying.

TC: KaRkAt?

CG: GAMZEE!?

CG: GAMZEE, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. PLEASE. I CAME HERE TO BE ALONE.

TC: NoW WaIt jUsT A MoThErFuCkInG MiNuTe

TC: I'm nOt gOiNg mOtHeRfUcKiNg aNyWhErE UnTiL I HeLp a bRoThEr oUt

TC: So TeLl mE WhAtS WrOnG aNd I'lL sEe HoW i CaN hElP

TC: :o)

CG: *SIGH*

CG: GAMZEE. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

CG: PLEASE.

CG: JUST LEAVE ME TO MY PATHETIC SELF HATRED.

CG: THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

TC: :o(

TC: HoNk HoNk?

CG: NO GAMZEE.

TC: HoNk :o(

Gamzee sat down beside Karkat.

TC: YoU KnOw kArKaT

TC: WhEn iM FeElInG LoW On tHe oLd mOtHeRfUcKiNg hApPiNeSs, i sLaM Me aN IcE CoLd fAyGo aNd eAt mE SoMe MoThErFuCkInG sOpEr sLiMe.

TC: MaYbE yOu ShOuLd TrY iT? :o)

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?

CG: FIRSTLY, FAYGO TASTES LIKE REPULSIVE FAIRY TWINKLE SHIT

CG: AND SECONDLY, SOPER SLIME WILL MESS ME UP IN THE HEAD

TC: MoThErFuCkIn' eXaCtLy

TC: HoW Do yOu tHiNk i sTaY So cHiLl aLl tHe tImE?

TC: CoZ Im tElLiNg yA BrO

TC: It aInT No mIrAcLe

TC: ItS ThE SlImE.

TC: HoNk HoNk :o)

CG: ...

TC: ItS wOrTh A mOtHeRfUcKiNg ShOt DoN't YoU tHiNk?

TC: BeSt FrIeNd :o)

CG: ...

CG: ...

CG: ...

CG: I DON'T KNOW...

TC: HoNk :o)

CG: ...

CG: DAMMIT, YOU'RE SO PERSUASIVE!

TC: HoNk :o)

CG: OKAY FINE.

CG: BUT GAMZEE, IF I'M EVEN GOING TO CONSIDER EATING SOPER SLIME

CG: THEN YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME THAT YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY

CG: AND THAT ON THE SLIM CHANCE THAT I DECIDE TO INDULGE MYSELF IN THIS BULLSHIT, THAT YOU WON'T LET ANYONE SEE ME.

CG: OKAY!?

TC: ItS a MoThErFuCkInG dEaL

TC: HoNk HoNk :o)

TC: IlL gO gEt Us SoMe MoThErFuCkInG pIeS tHeN!

TC: IlL Be bAcK In a mInUtE Or tWo bEsT FrIeNd

TC: TrUsT Me yOu wOnT ReGrEt tHiS

TC: HoNk HoNk :o)


	2. Chapter 2

Gamzee returned to the secret room of the Meteor with two soper slime pies in hand. He had a smug look on his face. He was clearly rather pleased with himself. Why? Who could say for sure.

TC: HoNk :o)

TC: I bRoUgHt ThE pIeS

CG: OKAY

CG: COOL… I GUESS?

Gamzee handed Karkat one of the pies. Karkat paused. He looked down at the pie for a moment.

CG: GAMZEE, I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE ABOUT THIS.

CG: HOW EXACTLY WILL THIS HELP AGAIN?

TC: ItLl CaLm YoUr MoThErFuCkInG tHiNkPaN

Gamzee sat down by Karkat and scooped a handful of the slimy substance, stuffed it in his mouth and swallowed it. Gamzee's pupils widened.

TC: WoOoOaAaH

TC: Im TeLlInG yOu KaRkAt

TC: ShIt TaStEs LiKe MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS

TC: HoNk :o)

Karkat dipped a finger into the sludge, still rather uncertain. He eyeballed the green goop before slowly licking some of the slime off of his finger. He swallowed. Karkat paused. At first, everything felt normal, but then…

CG: HOLY SHIT

CG: IT'S LIKE, SUDDENLY MY HEAD IS SO CLEAR

TC: HaVe SoMe MoRe

TC: ThE mOrE yOu HaVe

TC: ThE bEtTeR yOu FeEl

TC: :o)

CG: YEAH OKAY!

Karkat grabbed a small handful of the pie and ingested the substance. He paused for a moment as he began to feel the effects. The feeling was absolutely motherfucking intoxicating!

CG: GAMZEE…!

CG: EVERYTHING SEEMS SO…

CG: COLORFUL!

CG: AND LIKE…

CG: …I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK ABOUT JOHN ANYMORE!

TC: JoHn?

CG: YEAH DUDE

CG: I FELT REJECTED BY EGGBERT AND THAT'S WHY I WAS SAD BEFORE.

CG: BUT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

CG: EVERYTHING IS AMAZING!

TC: Is EgGbErT oNe Of ThEm HuMaN mOtHeRfUcKeRs?

CG: YEAH HAHAHA!

CG: HE'S JUST SOME HUMAN FUCKASS

CG: AND I WAS SAD BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO FUCK MY ASS!

CG: HAHAHAHAHA

TC: :o|

TC: KaY


	3. Chapter 3

Karkat continued to feast on slime pies with his moirail Gamzee. The slime started to do strange things to Karkat's head. The more he ate, the more he spoke his mind, and the more screwed up his mind became. After a short while, things became incredibly awkward.

CG: I BET JOHN HAS A ONE INCH DICK!

CG: …

TC: …

CG: AND I BET IT'S ON HIS STOMACH!

CG: BECAUSE HE'S WEIRD LIKE THAT!

TC: UmM… :o|

CG: …

CG: I'M SORRY GAMZEE.

CG: I JUST WANT TO PUNCH THAT PINK APE IN THE STOMACH.

CG: HE…

CG: HE MADE ME FEEL…

CG: …FEELINGS!

CG: LIKE, ROMANTIC FEELINGS.

CG: HE BUILT ME UP,

CG: BUT THEN HE JUST KNOCKED ME DOWN LIKE I WAS NOTHING.

CG: …

CG: I JUST FEEL SO EMPTY NOW.

There was a brief silence between the two trolls. Gamzee looked into Karkat's eyes. He hesitated to speak for a moment.

TC: …

TC: YoU kNoW kArKaT,

TC: BeLiEvE iT oR nOt,

TC: ThErE wAs A tImE tHaT i FeLt EmPtY bEcAuSe Of ReJeCtIoN.

CG: …WAIT REALLY?

CG: WHO DID YOU EVER HAVE RED FEELINGS FOR?

TC: I dOnT wAnT tO sAy BrO.

CG: ALRIGHT BUDDY.

TC: ItS jUsT i LoVeD tHiS gUy WiTh AlL mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg HeArT,

TC: bUt He NeVeR fElT tHe SaMe WaY.

CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW?

TC: BeCaUsE hE wOuLd AlWaYs CrUsH oN OtHeR gUyS aNd GiRlS,

TC: BuT nEvEr Me...

TC: HoNk :o(

CG: WOW.

CG: THAT SUCKS.

TC: YuP :o(

CG: THAT GUY SOUNDS LIKE AN ASSHOLE.

TC: HoNk :o(

TC: BuT i FoUnD a MoThErFuCkInG wAy To FiLl ThE vOiD...

CG: HOW?

TC: I tUrNeD tO tHe MiRtHuL MeSsIrEs AnD sTaRtEd PaYiNg AtTeNtIoN tO aLl ThE wOnDeRfUl MiRaClEs ThAt ThIs MoThErFuCkEr UnIvErSe HaS tO oFfEr.

CG: ...

CG: ...THAT ACTUALLY WORKED FOR YOU!?

TC: YeP!

TC: HoNk HoNk :o)

CG: WOW.

CG: THAT'S REALLY COOL.

CG: I NEVER THOUGHT OF RELIGION…

TC: It HeLpS bEsTeSt BrO :o)

CG: WOW HAHA

CG: DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M EVEN CONSIDERING THIS, BUT CAN I JOIN YOUR CLOWN CULT THING?

TC: :o)

CG: I MEAN, I'D DO ANYTHING TO GET OVER THE REJECTION.

TC: AnYtHiNg? :o)

CG: YEAH!

CG: I MEAN, THIS IS PROBABLY THE SLIME TALKING,

CG: BUT I WOULD GENUINELY DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW TO TAKE MY MIND OFF JOHN,

CG: SO WHY THE FUCK NOT.

TC: GoOd. :o)

TC: HoNk HoNk :o)

CG: SO…

CG: AM I IN THEN?

TC: NoT yEt BrO.

TC: FiRsT yOu HaVe To Go ThRoUgH tHe InItIaTiOn CeReMoNy.

CG: INITIATION?

CG: OKAY.

CG: WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?

TC: CoMe WiTh Me To My RoOm.

TC: I'lL tElL yOu WhEn We GeT tHeRe

CG: …

Gamzee and Karkat left the secret room of the meteor and began the journey to Gamzee's room. Karkat was still heavily intoxicated by the slime pies. They were seriously clouding his judgment. Everything was going according to plan.

:o)


	4. Chapter 4

The two boys arrived at Gamzee's room. They entered.

CG: SO WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO FOR THIS INITIATION CEREMONY?

TC: WeLl, ThErE ArE ThReE PaRtS BeSt fRiEnD :o)

CG: OKAY

CG: WHAT'S PART ONE?

TC: To sTaRt, YoU HaVe tO TaKe tHe oAtH.

TC: RePeAt aFtEr mE.

TC: I SoLeMnLy sWeAr,

CG: I SOLEMNLY SWEAR,

TC: ThAt i wIlL ApPrEcIaTe aLl tHe mIrAcLeS In tHiS WoRlD,

CG: THAT I WILL APPRECIATE ALL THE MIRACLES IN THIS WORLD,

TC: AnD ThAt i'lL FiLl mY HeArT WiTh a bUrNiNg pAsSiOn,

CG: AND THAT I'LL FILL MY HEART WITH A BURNING PASSION,

TC: To lOvE AnD FoLlOw tHe gUiDaNcE Of tHe hOlY MiRtHfUl mEsSiAhS.

CG: TO LOVE AND FOLLOW THE GUIDANCE OF THE HOLY MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS.

TC: ThEiR WoRd sHaLl bE LaW To mE.

CG: THEIR WORD SHALL BE LAW TO ME.

TC: I sHaLl Do OnLy As ThEy CoMmAnD.

CG: I SHALL DO ONLY AS THEY COMMAND.

TC: AnD I ShAlL Be tHeIr sLaVeS FoR AlL EtErNiTy.

CG: AND I SHALL BE THEIR SLAVES FOR ALL ETERNITY.

TC: ThEy aRe hIgHeR ThAn mE.

CG: THEY ARE HIGHER THAN ME.

TC: ThEy aRe hIgHeR ThAn aLl.

CG: THEY ARE HIGHER THAN ALL.

TC: ThEy aRe hIgHeR ThAn a mOtHeRfUcKeR.

CG: THEY ARE HIGHER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

TC: AmEn.

CG: AMEN.

Gamzee smiled with glee. His eyes were empty.  
He stared at Karkat briefly. It was rather awkward actually. To anybody who wasn't intoxicated with the most ridiculous drug known to all of Alternia, the stare would seem almost, lustful. Who could tell what dark thoughts were running through Gamzee's head.

TC: HoNk HoNk :o)

CG: SO WHAT'S THE SECOND PART OF THE INITIATION?

CG: BEST FRIEND? :o)


	5. Chapter 5

CG: HONK!

TC: HoNk HoNk HoNk!

CG: HONK HONK!

Gamzee and Karkat were running around the meteor, honking for stage two of the initiation ceremony.

CG: AHAHA

CG: THIS IS FUN GAMGAM!

CG: HONK! :o)

TC: MoThErFuCkInG yEs BrO!

TC: HoNk HoNk HoNk :o)

CG: I DON'T EVEN REALLY CARE IF THE OTHERS SEE ME NOW!

CG: THIS IS FUCKING FUN FOR SOME REASON.

CG: AND MY HEAD FEELS LIKE TWINKLESHIT FAIRY MAGIC!

TC: HoNk ;o)

Gamzee and Karkat continued to prance around, honking obnoxiously until they finally got bored.

TC: LeTs StOp NoW.

CG: OKAY! :o)

TC: ItS tImE fOr ThE fInAl StAgE iN tHe InItIaTiOn CeReMoNy.

CG: OH?

TC: LeTs HeAd BaCk To My RoOm...

The two returned to Gamzee's room. Karkat eagerly awaited the final stage in the initiation ceremony. He was filled with overwhelming curiosity as to what would happen next.

TC: SiT dOwN kArKaT.

TC: MaKe YoUrSeLf MoThErFuCkInG cOmFoRtAbLe.

Karkat took a seat in one of Gamzee's nearby horn piles. As Karkat sat on the pile, several loud honk sounds startled Gamzee.

TC: WoAh FuCk! :o(

TC: ThEm HoRnS aLwAyS sCaRe ThE cRaP oUt Of Me.

TC: LeT mE jUsT gEt SoMeThInG fRoM mY cHeSt KaRkAT.

Gamzee opened a nearby chest and grabbed the mysterious thing from inside.

TC: HeRe It Is My WiCkEd BrOtHeR.

TC: ThE fInAl PaRt Of ThE cErEmOnY. :o)

TC: Im GoNnA sMeAr ThIs ShIt AlL oVeR yOuR fAcE!

CG: ...

CG: THERE'S SO MUCH OF IT! :o|

TC: HoNk HoNk :o)

CG: WHAT'S IT FOR?

TC: ItS ThE FiNaL PaRt oF ThE CeReMoNy

TC: WhErE I PaInT YoUr fAcE In tHe sAcReD 50 sHaDeS Of gReY MaKeUp!

CG: WOAH!

CG: AWESOME!

TC: YeS :o)

CG: ...

CG: DO IT GAMGAM!

CG: I'M READY.

CG: HONK HONK :o)

Gamzee smeared the makeup on Karkat's face. It looked motherfucking beautiful.


	6. Chapter 6

TC: It iS DoNe.

TC: WeLcOmE To tHe fAmIlY Of tHe mIrThFuL MeSsIaHs kArKaT!

TC: HoNk HoNk HoNk :o)

The ceremony was complete.

CG: WOW...

CG: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS GAMGAM :o)

CG: YOU'RE A TRUE FRIEND!

Gamzee stopped smiling.

CG: YOU KNOW,

CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT A FRIEND LIKE YOU GAM!

TC: …STOP.

TC: :o(

CG: YOU'RE SERIOUSLY THE BEST MOIRAIL EVER!

TC: :o(

Little did Karkat know that the person who broke Gamzee's heart before, was him! Karkat had always taken a fancy to Terezi and left Gamzee to boil in jealousy, and now John. Gamzee couldn't handle the frustration of wanting to be more than just friends with Karkat.

CG: ARE YOU OKAY GAMGAM?

TC: YoUrE NoT DoNe mOhTeRfUcKeR.

CG: WHAT?

TC: ThErEs oNe mOrE PaRt tO ThE CeReMoNy tHaT I FoRgOt tO MeNtIoN.

CG: WHAT PART?

Gamzee approached Karkat slowly.

CG: UMM...

CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOI-!?

Karkat could not finish his sentence due to the shock when Gamzee spontaneously dropped his pants.

TC: KaRkAt

TC: I Am nOt yOuR MoThErFuCkInG FrIeNd!

CG: ...?

TC: YoUrE My lItTlE BiTcH

TC: aNd i aM YoUr mOtHeRfUcKiNg mAsTeR!

CG: ...!?

TC: Im gOnNa gIvE It tO YoU So hArD ThAt yOuLl mOtHeRfUcKiNg sCrEaM!

TC: HONK HONK! :o)

CG: ...!

GC: WH4T TH3 FUCK 4R3 YOU TWO DO1NG?

TC: ...

TC: ...uMm...

CG: TEREZI!

CG: UHH...

CG: THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

TC: OH R34LLY?

CG: SERIOUSLY...

GC: K4RK4T, YOU LOOK H1GH OFF YOUR 4SS.

GC: 4ND YOU'R3 W34R1NG CLOWN M4K3UP.

GC: 4ND YOU WOK3 M3 UP W1TH YOU'R3 FR34K1NG HONK1NG.

GC: 4ND 1T S33MS YOU W3R3 4BOUT TO F1LL P4L3S W1TH YOUR MO1R41L!?

GC: 1S TH3R3 SOM3TH1NG 1'M M1SS1NG H3R3? :P

CG: OH GOD.

CG: OH GOD.

CG: I KNOW HOW THIS LOOKS UH...

CG: IT WAS AN INITIATION CEREMONY.

CG: EXCEPT FOR THE LAST PART...

CG: I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK GAMZEE IS DOING.

GC: R111GHT? ;)

CG: OH GOD.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING.

CG: ...

CG: GAMZEE, WERE YOU ABOUT TO RAPE ME!?

TC: ...nOpE.

TC: HaHaHa... :o|

CG: OKAY.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT,

CG: I DON'T EVEN CARE.

CG: I'M GONNA GET THIS SHIT OFF OF MY FACE.

CG: FUCK THIS CLOWN BULLSHIT.

CG: I WASN'T THINKING STRAIGHT BECAUSE OF THAT DAMN SLIME.

CG: ...SO, LET'S JUST ALL AGREE TO NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN TO ANYONE.

CG: OKAY!?

GC: 4GR33D.

TC: YuP.

CG: GOOD.


	7. Chapter 7

Haha.

Well that was my stupid fan-fiction.

Actually, that was my first fan-fiction, lol.

Hope you enjoyed it and found it somewhat amusing! :P


End file.
